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Let’s talk about sex

I’ve been asked to write a little something about sex. Doing it! Or rather, not doing it i.e. what’s happening when you’re not in the mood.

I often chat to patients and friends alike who joke about feeling lacklustre in the sack, having to fend off their amorous partner, or having to ‘really work’ to get a lover on board. It’s a common theme and one that’s often made light of, but impacts emotional intimacy (not just the physical) and can develop into a real relationship sticking point.

So, what to do?Rhodin's The Kiss

There are a number of factors that can contribute to dulled desire, including stress, fatigue, children and hormones… any and all of these can kill the smoochy vibes.

Are you tired? Are you busy? Are you stressed?

If you answer yes to at least one of these, then it’s likely you won’t have much energy and emotion to spare for lusty love.

Do you have kids? And/or have you just had a baby? Then, double that.

First things first:

Don’t put yourself under pressure. If you’re not in the mood, so be it. It’s not a problem. Really, it isn’t.

Next thing: let’s work out what factors are contributing to how you feel. Here are a highly probably top three:

1 – Energy

If you are tired and/or stressed and/or run down, you need to nurture your adrenals and support your nervous system to feel good again. When you feel good, you’re more likely to have energy to share with your partner.

For most of us, ‘removing’ stress is not an option, but learning how to manage our response to the many stressful factors in our life will make a significant difference.

2 – Hormones

Ladies, let’s look at your cycle: is it regular? Do you get PMS? Are you pregnant? Just had a baby? Is your thyroid in check?

Fellas, what’s your testosterone look like? DHT? How about your thyroid function?

Appropriate hormonal balance, or lack thereof, plays a really important role in the architecture of sexual desire.

(Also remember that stress, that old chestnut , is a key factor in hormone balance too.)

3 – Connection

Perhaps this should have been the first point? Well regardless, it’s still in the top 3 – because this is important.

Do you connect well with your partner, and they you? What am I talking about when I say connect? Good communication, joy in each other’s company, shared experiences, mutual respect… you know, that kind of thing. Without it, the mood will die.

It’s easy to take these things for granted in a long-term relationship; or forget about them all together when life fills up with one thing, another, and then a truck-tonne more. No sweat, it happens. Sometimes all it takes to turn that around is a date-night, a few compliments (sincere ones), or a sneaky love note. Other times, it might take a little more effort. No sweat, you’re worth it.


If you’d like to talk more about specific advice to boost your health (and libido), come and have a chat to me at Uclinic.


About Kathleen Murphy

Australian naturopath and freelance writer, based in Sydney. I love working with people from all walks of life, helping them institute changes that can become life-long health habits. I can be found at Uclinic | 421 Bourke Street, Surry Hills | Ph: 02 9332 0400 |

4 responses »

  1. Good points! sex has been a huge issue for me in my relationship of 10 years . There is a lot of good advice out there for people who are feeling stuck… I would add that I recently removed my implanon contraceptive after nearly 3 years and instant libido! Hallelujah !

  2. Great article, Kathleen! I just finished reading a fantastic book, “Vagina: A New Biography” by Naomi Wolf and I would highly recommend it to any woman, strong libido or not. It’s such a comprehensive look at women’s sexuality, our history, the culture that often doesn’t support us, and something very important called “The Goddess Array”. Well worth a look!


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